Well we had sisters BIG ultrasound today!
She was very stubborn and was either moving too much or snuggled in the wrong postion! But after an hour and a half she finally lets us finish the measurements! Her heartrate has been consistently around the low 140s.
Good to know everything is fine for now....
Still not fully convinced she will get here safely though... :-/
Colby was textbook perfect the whole time so you never know! <3
Please keep the prayers comming for her! Thanks!

Sorry for the rant yesterday but HAD to get all of that off of my chest! Its been bugging me for a while trying to keep all those emotions hidden from everyone.
Im doing a little better today... Although my friend lost her baby and its been very hard on me... Knowing what shes going through and her being only a couple of weeks behind me... <3

There has been so many differant emotions going on lately!
Im back to my depression that I was able to get out of for a couple months...
The part where my heart itself literally aches!
I was hoping I was past all of that but several things have happened to bring that back to full force...
Dont get me wrong, im so happy to be having a little sister for my baby boy but its so hard to be %100 happy and positive about it!
People tell me "oh dont worry your baby girl will be healthy,..".
Well guess what.... Colby was HEALTHY! There was NOTHING wrong with him...he was perfect... And he still died....
"hows your baby/pregnancy?"
I know you care but this makes me think everyone is expecting her to die too.... EVERYTHING IS FINE WITH HER.... Please stop asking.... If something goes wrong, youll hear about it!
"why havent you put up any pics or news about your new baby" well, because im trying to not even thing about being pregnant because i just want the time to fly and get her here... Another BIG reason is because i KNOW how bad it hurts to see others annoucing their pregnancies, genders, and babys and thier milestones on facebook and seeing updates constantly.... And i have several friends that have either lost babies or can not get pregnant and i am trying to be concious of thier feelings...
"Dont stress".... Ok, thats easy to do considering im still grieving over my son and wishing he was here with me more and more everyday... On top of worrying about his sister being born alive!
I wont stop worrying about that until she is in my arms screaming!
Im still trying to find what "good" came out of him dying. I dont know how to see past my son dying and finding good in it... And i dont think i ever will! -judge me if you want.... I dont really care.... I know God has some "reason" why he allowed it but it doesnt make it easier and we are going to have one looooong talk about it when i get to heaven!
I dont understand why things like this have to happen!
Im sick of people trying to make me "feel better" because thats not going to happen....
Im sick of people expecting that im going to move on just because im pregnant again.... If your kid died would you be as happy as you were just because you have another one? No.
Im sick of people trying to give me advise of what to do this pregnancy! I didnt do anything wrong with Colby and people saying things like that implys that i did!
I just want to be left alone again...
Im hurt.
Im tired.
Im beyond heartbroken .... Yes, "STILL"
All you can do to help is to pray God will heal my heart and mind...
That is all...

Sister! <3
Its been a rough 15 weeks.... Feeling like something could go horribly wrong again....
But since we cant hide it until she is born I wanted to tell all of you who follow my blog first! <3 xoxo
Thank you for the continued support and prayers...
We could NEVER replace Colby! We miss him just as much as we did the day he died.... <3

Im feeling so overwhelmed and depressed again.... I got out of it for a month or so but now the constant reminders of you are flooding back.... I dont want to forget you but i dont want to feel like this forever either!
I feel so overtaken with every little thing right now and im realizing its just me missing you and taking it out on myself and everyone around me! I just wish you were here to make me happy again.... <3 i love you!

My arms are empty, your room is empty, our house is empty, a big part of my heart is empty....
Your everywhere but no where, I talk to you but I cant hear you say mommy, I hug the air and feel your presence but its still not enough,
I miss you more and more every day while everyone else moves on.... They have to, thats life.... I get it... 
But thats one of the hardest things is knowing people move on... Because i never will.
My emotions are drained.
My heart is tearing into a million pieces.... 
You can not and will not be replaced!
I love you so much and cant wait to hold you again! 

I am officially a local leader for this film! Plz check it out and like them on facebook. And most of all GO WATCH THE MOVIE when it comes out!!! This will not only help family and friends understand how we feel but will also really spread awareness for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death.

The statistics on stillbirth, which is the loss of a child after 20th week of pregnancy, are remarkable. In the U.S. alone there are approximately 36,000 stillbirths a year. That is equivalent to the amount of people who die in traffic accidents across this country every year.

Plz help spread awareness!
http://www.returntozerothemovie.com/synopsis.php

Today is my first Mother's Day.
I don't need chocolate, flowers or cards. Because all that I want is up in the stars.
My sweet baby boy is up there, you see; if only he could be here on my first Mother's Day with me!!!
I wish I could hold him and take care of him today, on my first Mother's Day.
Mother's Day isn't about getting things but about caring for your children and the joy that it brings!
So cherish your children and hold them so tight, because today is just another day when they are out of your sight!

Written by: me

Im missing you soooo much today sweetheart! I wish you could be here with us and make our lives so amazing!
Im so sad you had to leave so soon!
Im so glad though that since I can have you that Jesus does!!!! I love u so so much!!!!!!!
I will carry you in my heart forever!!! <3

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown